Why I Left Ships and What I Was Thinking

Why I Left Ships (And What I Was Really Thinking Back Then)

I didn’t leave ships because I hated it.  I didn’t storm out, get fired, or suddenly decide that I need to quit today.  It was much slower than that. 

There were parts of ship life I loved, I really did.  To a degree I really enjoyed the structure and the people of it all. I liked knowing where I needed to be, what I needed to do, and how to do it well. I liked the clarity.  And for a long time, it gave me more than a job it gave me identity, purpose, freedom from bills, freedom from responsibility and this strange little floating world that made sense to me as it was very familiar and my comfort zone.

But over time, things shifted.  At first, it was tiny maybe I’d scroll through someone’s land life post and feel a ‘oooh, I want that’,  or I’d get off the gangway in a port and think, “I’d like to just stay here a while and not rush back onboard”, we all know that feeling – not watching the time but just being free ashore.  But I think the loudest pull was when I went ashore, I would notice people living their land life, the thought of yes, I want to go to the supermarket and cook whatever meal I feel like.  Yes, I want to go to Home Depot and purchase things to decorate my home.  Yes, I want to receive order things not via the port agents ship mailing address.  Yes, I want to get a job and wake up in my own home every day.

The feeling wasn’t sudden and abrupt, it was there every now and then, and in between that I was trying to enjoy ship life, but I have to admit I was not fully enjoying it.  The same crew parties, the same drills, the same ship life, the same everything.  It all became a little less exciting and a little more isolating as I could not any longer resonate so much with ship life. 

I started thinking things like:

• “What would I even do if I wasn’t working at sea?”
• “Who would I be without this job, this lifestyle, this routine?”
• “What if I leave, and I regret it forever?”

And alongside all those questions, the biggest one:  “What if I can’t actually make it on land?”

Because that’s the truth, right?

On land, there’s no mess hall. No cleaning schedule. No daily planner delivered to your inbox.
You have to make your life. Structure it. Fill it with meaning.  And the thought of doing that without a ship contract terrified me as a future contract meant security and certainty.

Yet the feeling inside of me kept growing.  The desire to want more land life and less ship life kept growing.  So eventually I decided to get curious, and I asked myself “what type of work do you want to do next?”,  what will fit into the lifestyle I want to live on land, what will support me and my family, what will give me happiness, and so on.  I asked myself these same questions and others many times until I got great answers, and then I received this amazing clarity and told myself what if ship life was perfect for who I was and land life might be perfect for who I’m becoming,

Well, that did it for me, and then I knew I just needed to do some research on vacation to see how it can all fit and steps I needed to take.  Those were the questions that helped me move.
Not because I had all the answers. But because I was finally ready to stop pretending that land life did not have to be a dream, that it is very possible to be extremely happy once you have the awareness and preparation. 

If you’re reading this and feel that same tugs, that quiet shift you can’t explain yet, I want you to know you’re simply being called into something new and you don’t’ need to know the whole path yet, just pay attention to the whispers.